Digging Through the Aftermath

Life with an addict is tough. I've been fortunate enough not to have ever had to live with one, but unfortunately, my children are not so lucky. For two years, my step children have lived with us while their mother spiraled out of contol drinking herself into near comas to escape whatever pain she was feeling. At 11 years old, my daughter was taking care of her little brother, making sure he was fed, bathed, and off to school on time. They've made comments about stepping around their mother while she was 'sleeping' on the floor to pop a hot dog in the microwave for breakfast. I could elaborate, but they're not in that situation anymore, and that part isn't relevant to their experience today.

Today, their mother disappointed them yet again.

The past several weeks have been a series of missed visits and phone calls. When this happens, the kids automatically assume Mom's back in rehab. But this time was different.

This time she had been arrested. Again. For driving with a revoked license. Five months ago, she was arrested for the same thing and was given a fine and a warning not to do that again. She continued to drive wherever she wanted to go and actually justified driving without a license by telling us it was important to her therapy to see her children. When she was arrested this last time, they actually impounded her car. One week later, she was arraigned and the court sset her hearing for 6 weeks from that time so she could attend a memorial service for her mother. Incidentally, the service had been put off for a month because she was in rehab and couldn't go.

She got her car out of impound and drove to the service. Then drove to the reception. Then drove to our house the next day for Easter.

Because it's not important to follow the law if it conflicts with your personal priorities.

Luckily, this is not the message the kids are taking away from this. Our 14-yr old is disgusted by her mother's irresponsble behavior. Our 11-yr-old is angry enough at his mother that he told her he wouldn't be surprised when she goes to jail. The kids are starting to deal with Mom's ups and downs, because they don't translate into ups and downs for them anymore. Their lives can stay stable while their mother's spirals out of control.

Until she misses a visit. Again.

And doesn't call. Again.

And doesn't answer her phone.

Again.

They've started expecting the worst. All the time.

Back on Christmas morning, we got to tell the kids that Mom wasn't going to be able to visit because she had to go back to the hospital. Our son started crying. With relief.

He thought she had died.

Christmas morning, amidst the stockings and Santa presents, this child contemplated his mother's accidental suicide. And that's pretty typical for holidays around our house. We get to plan wonderful family events and gatherings and have to figure out the best time to deliver Mom's bad news so the kids feel it the least.

They still feel it. Every. Time.

Their mother explains it as her reaction to the pain of losing her kids. It's been two and a half years, and she's still doing the things that caused her to lose the kids in the first place. She still is required to have supervised visits with her kids by court order because she hasn't spent enough time out of rehab to demonstrate she can responsibly take care of them away from a "responsible" adult.

Sometimes, it's hard to understand an addicts behavior when the aftermath is so clearly written on your children's faces. But every day, we get up and do it again. Because the kids need us.They need all the stability and support we can give them. They need to know their future contains more than just disappointments and missed visits by mom.