8 Reasons We May Not Have Spoken In a While

I’ve been off the grid for many of my friends and family for a while now and it occurs to me that many of them probably don’t know why. 

I’m not being a bitch. I’m not ignoring you. I’m not angry at you. I haven’t moved on to “other friends.”

I’m struggling.

It’s really that simple. 

When I’m struggling, I huddle the wagons, focus on the issues in front of me and only on the issues in front of me. I don’t reach out to other people. My problems are not their problems. My situation should not be someone else’s burden. So I withdraw instead of advertising the issues.

If I’ve been incommunicado, one of these is most likely the reason:

1. I’m exhausted.

          I know. I don’t have a “real job,” so why am I tired? I’m tired because I’m on constant alert, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Of the five people in my household, three are children. One is five years old. Three of us have been diagnosed with depression; two with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; two with Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder; two with General Anxiety Disorder; two struggle with the constant urge to self-harm; one is on the Autism Spectrum.
          This means my house is a loud, disorganized amalgam of emotions every day. It requires a delicate balance to keep from triggering someone’s (sometimes everyone’s) particular issue. One person’s bad day can cause a domino effect through the rest of the family and we can all end up as a huddled mess crying under our covers.

2. I’m not ignoring you. I’m taking care of my family.

          I know that sounds lame. We all have families we have to take care of, and in middle age, we’re usually taking care of our kids AND our parents. But some families need more care than others.
          With three kids and no car, the simple act of taking one of them to the library for a school project requires a 20-minute walk to and from the library, in addition to the time spent on the project. My children range from age 5 to age 14, and none of them have the same needs. Shifting gears to address each child’s needs in that moment takes huge waves of mental energy. Sometimes, answering the phone just isn’t on the agenda, never mind picking it up to actually make a call.

3. I’m busy. You’re busy. Life happens.

          Any family with three kids is busy. Starting with getting everyone ready for school at 6 AM when the alarm goes off and ending with getting everyone in bed with their teeth brushed by 9 PM. Add in the weekly therapy appointments across town on the bus every Tuesday and Wednesday, plus the extra time necessary to walk or take public transit for basic everyday errands, and there’s not a ton of extra time. In between, I’m launching a business, working a freelance job and managing the household. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the day-to-day grind, weeks have gone by, and I didn’t really notice.

4. I’m in survival mode.

          Sometimes (a lot lately) I’m in a place where my priorities are on basic needs such as sleep, food, clothing, and shelter. I’m desperately trying to keep us afloat and everything seems to be falling apart around us. When we’re trying to figure out how to put food on the table for dinner tonight, it’s hard to listen to you talk about meeting your friends for coffee or going to the mall. Especially in December. How do you provide a fun and magical Christmas when your best magic trick that month is paying the rent?

5. I don’t want to be THAT friend.

          We’ve all had that friend. You know. The one who is always complaining. The one who’s life is so overwhelming every conversation is about them and their drama. I don’t want to be that friend. I have nothing positive to offer, and all I can do is bitch about my situation. I don’t want to dump my problems on your shoulders, and I have the attention span of a gnat. I know I won’t hear anything you have to say, and the conversation will turn back to my problems over and over, because I literally can’t think about anything else. I’d rather be that friend you haven’t talked to in more than a year than THAT friend.

6. I can’t handle your drama too.

          Let’s face it. We’re friends because we have things in common. That most likely means your life is just as crazy, hectic, busy, insane as mine. I’m already overwhelmed by my stuff. I’m not sure I can take on your stuff, too. Even if you’re not asking me to, I’ll still want to help and get involved.

7. Every time my phone rings, I cringe.

          I hate the phone. I have so many issues with the phone, some of them dating back to when I worked as a telemarketer. (Sorry, that was me asking for donations to (enter charity name here.) Mostly, when my phone rings, it’s a bill collector, a doctor’s office or one of the schools. Very rarely are any of those calls good news. It’s to the point where, when the phone rings, we freeze like a deer in headlights and wait for the caller ID to announce who’s calling before deciding to ignore it. Most people I know will just text me, because they know I’m far more likely to return a text than a phone call. 

Which brings me to the final reason we may not have spoken (or texted) for a while.

8. My phone was turned off. Again.

          My house phone is bundled with my cable internet package. Since my ability to work from home is heavily dependent upon my internet access, the cable bill is a higher priority than the cell phone bill. This means, when forced to choose, the cell phone gets turned off. It sucks, especially trying to juggle three busy kids’ schedules. It also means I won’t get your calls and texts until I can afford to turn it back on. If you’re my friend, you should have my house number. If you don’t, I’m not sure what to tell you. Try Facebook or email. I’m so far past feeling bad about a lack of phone service.

Maybe this all sounds like excuses to you. Maybe this doesn't sound like nearly as much as you're dealing with. All I can say is this is more than I can deal with sometimes, and talking to other people sometimes makes me feel worse rather than better. 

If I ignore you or you don't hear from me in a while, please don't be mad. Please just understand I'm overwhelmed. Show up with dinner for six (so you can join us, of course!) Take us grocery shopping or running errands in your car (you'd be surprised how much time that frees up.) There's always something that needs to be done, and we're always juggling more than we can handle. We'd love to have a social life with a million friends who are always ready to hang out and have fun. 

Unfortunately, we're just not those people right now.