Again. And again. And again.
This week we've swung around to repeat the cycle yet again. It's frustrating and exhausting. And most of the time we feel more reactive than proactive.
Getting the kids settled and stable after their mother's drinking binges left them dirty, unfed and neglected has been challenging. Neither of them fully trusts adults to do what they promise or to be there when they need them.
The last weekend in March, their mother was supposed to join us for Sunday morning breakfast. (My husband makes gourmet pancakes for brunch every Sunday.) When she didn't show up, my husband sent her a text to see where she was.
She answered him. To apologize. She wouldn't be coming that day to see the kids because she had been in another car accident. She was sore and banged up and planned to take her pain meds and rest all day.
My problems with this story stem from the fact that I've heard it before. Almost verbatim.
About a month ago, she accidentally hit a snow bank in her brand new Honda Fit and totaled the car. According to what she told us, her insurance company paid for a rental while the claim was being settled. This accident was in the rental vehicle.
Now, this could be really bad luck. Or it could be complete and utter bullshit. Or it could be a combination of both in varying degrees. I really don't know.
But here's the thing...
A few years ago, she had an accident with the children in the car. According to her story, she got into a fight with her boyfriend, drank some alcohol, had an anxiety attack, loaded the kids in the car, and drove off. She rear-ended another vehicle, panicked, and tried to drive home again. Both kids were frightened by her behavior and our son was taken to the emergency room with bruising from his seat belt. This happened on a Tuesday.
The following Friday, when we were expecting the kids to come over for the weekend, she finally told us about the accident. She left out the part about her drinking, until we asked why she didn't tell us sooner. Then she said her AA sponsor told her she didn't have to tell us. Children's services were called by the emergency responders at the scene and the emergency room staff, but the investigation identified the event as an isolated incident. The case was closed and everything went on as normal.
There were several problems in the mean time involving missing ADHD medication, ill-fitting clothes and shoes, poor hygiene and other incidences of questionable judgement. This all led up to the children finally being placed with us by children's services at Christmas 2013.
Since the kids came to live with us there have been a number of suspicious events. Thankfully, the courts denied her unsupervised visits, so the kids were not with her when these events occurred.
- She sprained her wrist climbing in the window to her house (she forgot her keys) and was put on pain killers for a week or so. She continued to visit the kids but was drowsy and otherwise loopy during those visits.
- She was involved in a hit-and-run accident while driving to our house to visit the children. She reportedly hit her head and was knocked out for a few minutes. Then she tried to drive home but was disoriented and didn't get there for a couple hours. She was tired then, so she took a nap (um...concussion, maybe?). About 5 hours after the accident, she decided to go to the emergency room. (We suspect she was sleeping off the alcohol she drank before driving. We just have no proof.)
- Her car was randomly set on fire by vandals in the neighborhood. Luckily it was insured. Interestingly, this happened after she couldn't afford the repairs from the previous accident. Kinda lucky, huh? She bought a brand new Honda Fit.
- She lost her job and was at risk of losing her house because she couldn't pay the mortgage. She owed more money on the house than it was worth and it needed a lot of work to become sell-able. She moved in with her boyfriend and began preparing the house for sale anyway.
- She went AWOL for a few weeks and we didn't hear from her or see her. The kids were worried and upset. We were frustrated and confused. It was a mess. She finally surfaced in a mental health hospital program.
- After being released from the hospital, she broke up with her boyfriend of many years "to focus on her children," and apparently to date some guy she met in the program. This all happened the week of Thanksgiving. She asked if she could bring the new boyfriend over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. Uhhhhhh.... no.
- In February, she announced she and her former boyfriend (the one she dumped before Thanksgiving) were getting married... the day before Valentine's Day.
- During this time, the Northeastern US was experiencing what we affectionately called 'Snowmageddon.' It was over 8 feet of snowfall in the space of three weeks. Unfortunately, the pipes in her house (the one she was at risk of foreclosing on) burst and the entire building suffered massive water damage. Luckily her home-owner's insurance has her covered.
A couple weeks ago, she hit that snowbank I mentioned earlier in the story. I think you can see why we were suspicious. Last week, when she didn't show up, we got curious. When she missed her second scheduled visit, we got concerned. When she missed her third visit, we got disgusted. Finally, we were told she was back in the hospital. Hopefully, she's getting the help she needs.
In the mean time, our daughter is trying to convince herself to do her homework instead of dragging a razor blade across her body because she feels worthless and unwanted. Our son has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and is trying to stay stable despite the disruption in his regular routines by his missing mother. My husband is convinced he's an utter failure as a parent because he can't make his kids happy. And I'm stuck somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to hide under the covers for the next week. The only "normal" person in the house is the 5-year-old, and let's face it, if you've ever had a 5-year-old, you know I use the term 'normal' VERY loosely.
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