A "Real" Parent

This statement always resonates with me, no matter how many times I hear it. 

It also triggers my guilt.

Twenty years ago, I had two small children I was not taking care of. I had left them in their father's custody and essentially walked away.

There were so many reasons why I did it, not all of them conscious. I was conflicted and ashamed of who I was and couldn't bear to have such little people dependent on me when I could barely figure out how to just be.



The main selfish reason I walked away from my children: I was too young.

I was 16 when my oldest child was born. He was a perfect baby. Beautiful, healthy, and all smiles. My second child was born 10 weeks premature just 14 months later. He was less than 4 lbs when he was born and his lungs were not fully developed. He spent a month in the NICU before ever coming home, and because we were young and broke, we only got to the hospital to see him three times before he was released. During this time, my adoptive mother passed away, and emotionally, I was a mess. When my husband and I finally split almost two years later, I was wrung out and couldn't take care of myself, never mind taking on responsibility for someone else.

After my divorce and many, many, many nasty fights with their father, I found it easier to stay away and not deal with my emotions or my ex. It was exhausting having someone point out what I was doing wrong all the time. I didn't want to take responsibility for my actions and didn't want to deal with someone telling me I had to. So every week turned into every month. Then every month turned into a handful of visits per year. It wasn't until years later that I realized how much damage I had done to my relationship with my sons.

Buried in my selfishness was a part of me that knew my children would be better off with their father. He met his second wife about a year after we split up and they are still together today. She took on responsibility for my children and loved them as her own. I resented that then, but I understand and appreciate it now.

I spent a year living out of my car after losing custody of my sons. Without a permanent address, I had trouble finding work and I didn't have anywhere to bring my children to spend time with them. Most of our visits were spent driving around in my car or walking around the mall. I couldn't afford to feed them or buy clothes for them. There wasn't much I could offer except turmoil.

When we first separated, their father and I agreed to joint custody of the boys. When I finally filed for divorce, I filed through a mail-order company (not my smartest decision). When the final paperwork came in for approval before being sent to the courts for approval, the custody section was supposed to give us joint legal custody and him full physical custody. I didn't read the whole thing and missed it when the section had been changed to "full legal and physical custody" to their father. By the time I realized it, it was too late and I didn't have the energy to go back to court to fight for it. It was easier to just leave it.

Distance offers perspective.

The number one lesson I learned through all of that?
The easy way is almost never the right way.

Looking back, my sons grew up in a loving household with a mother and father who loved them, brothers they were close to, extended family support, and a strong sense of what it means to take care of each other.

I couldn't offer that. I'm just now, at 41, grasping this fundamental element of family.

Today, When I tell people I gave custody of my kids to their father, I'm applauded for putting their needs before my own and making sure they had a loving and secure home life.

When I would tell people that same information 10, 15, or even 20 years ago, I was asked how a "real mother" could walk away and give up her kids.

There is no easy answer to that. Time changes your perspective on parenting just as it changes your perspective on every aspect of life.

I am a different parent now than I was then, but largely because of the parent I was then.