The difference between apologizing and saying "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

Two simple words we teach our children to use when they make a mistake. The implication being those two words will make it all better.

"I'm sorry."

Make sure you say it whenever you hurt someone's feelings, or break a toy. Say, "I'm sorry" if you bump into them and knock them down.

"I'm sorry."

Anytime you need to excuse your actions, make sure you say these two magic words.

After a while, those two words no longer have meaning. They no longer make things better and they no longer excuse your mistakes.

Irrational Fear

A parent's worst nightmare is the fear that something will take a child away from them. There are volumes of books, movies, and news reports to prove this is not just an irrational fear, but has its roots in a horrible reality. I don't know about you, but my past experiences combined with our current situation has given me a finely-honed paranoia about losing one of my children.

No parent ever wants to see their child's picture
on a poster like this.

Yesterday, this paranoia was triggered when, half an hour after the school bus was supposed to have dropped him off, our 10-year-old son still was not home from school. His bus stop is just four houses from us, and he likes the independence of walking home by himself instead of having us meet him there. 

A "Real" Parent

This statement always resonates with me, no matter how many times I hear it. 

It also triggers my guilt.

Twenty years ago, I had two small children I was not taking care of. I had left them in their father's custody and essentially walked away.

There were so many reasons why I did it, not all of them conscious. I was conflicted and ashamed of who I was and couldn't bear to have such little people dependent on me when I could barely figure out how to just be.

How I got here and other bizarre stories.

The "Other Mother" from Coraline

I have spent the majority of my life being the "other mother," both to my biological children and to my step-children. My therapist says I was, "the mother I was then, so I could be the mother I am now," but most of the time, I feel like I'm wavering between over-confidence and over-whelming guilt.

I first became a mother at 16 years old. I was a naive child ignorant of how the real world functioned. I grew up sheltered in the 80s by parents who had grown up in the 40s. To say there was a generation gap is to put it mildly. I can't describe in one go what my childhood was like, but I can give you the highlights. The rest will surface as needed when it pertains to the events in my life.

Yes, I'll Clean Up Your Mess...Again.

When your children's mother is an alcoholic, it means you spend a good portion of your time dealing with the aftermath of that person's mistakes. 

Again. And again. And again. 

This week we've swung around to repeat the cycle yet again. It's frustrating and exhausting. And most of the time we feel more reactive than proactive. 

Getting the kids settled and stable after their mother's drinking binges left them dirty, unfed and neglected has been challenging. Neither of them fully trusts adults to do what they promise or to be there when they need them.